Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We have so much sex to catch up on
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
