thus making me awesome and them whores
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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