He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
