hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
