Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
