**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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