my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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