I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
this hospital has no fireball
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
