I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
