I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
