I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
