I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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