dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
