i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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