its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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