I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
