she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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