It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
