when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
