Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
