Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
