dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
