Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Sorry my hands just texted you
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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