I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Randomize
