he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
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