I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
