with your own penis?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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