Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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