Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
She needs sedatives and a leash
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
