the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
