I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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