If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
