you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
