just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
