Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just high enough for therapy.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
