My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
