How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
