I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
