I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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