That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Why did my mother make you get naked?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
