IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
