she looked like the bat from fern gully.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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