If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
