You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
