Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Randomize
