Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
