I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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