he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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