Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Randomize