she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
