My friends, they love my intelligence
im about as happy as oj after his trial
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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