she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
