I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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